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“同妻”成“男同”挡箭牌 遭受生理和心理折磨
2009年12月21日 01:28黑龙江晨报
同妻 VS 我的老公是同性恋
记者调查40名“同妻”的无性婚姻
据统计，中国目前艾滋病病毒感染者和病人约74万人，男男性传播已成为艾滋病主要传播途径。人们普遍关注男同性恋时，却忽略了他们背后一个更加弱势的群体——“同妻”（男同性恋的妻子）。这些“同妻”不仅不能得到性生活上的满足，很多还要遭受冷落、漠视和家庭暴力……近日，记者走近“同妻”，听她们讲诉背后的故事。
“为让孩子有爸爸，我只能维持家的‘完整’”
在哈市一所学校当教师的晓悦，她的丈夫在哈市也有着让人羡慕的工作和收入，在外人眼里，晓悦的丈夫孝顺老人、疼爱妻子、擅长家务、性情温和，几乎没有缺点。“我所有的朋友都羡慕我找了个好老公。”但是只有两人独处时，晓悦总感觉丈夫在有意无意地躲着自己，从结婚开始就每天找各种借口不回家。“我们结婚一年，夫妻生活简直屈指可数，一个吻、一个简单的拥抱……夫妻间的任何亲密举动他都不喜欢甚至反感。”婚前除了丈夫，晓悦没有跟别的男人正式谈过恋爱，她对男人的经验少得可怜。即使这样，晓悦也能感觉到自己的丈夫不太正常。
今年9月的一天，怀孕5个月的晓悦从外地的娘家提前回到哈市，事先没有告诉丈夫，想给他一个惊喜。可当晓悦轻手轻脚地打开自家房门后，眼前的一幕让她几乎昏厥，丈夫和另一个男人在客厅沙发上赤身裸体……晓悦站在门口呆若木鸡。
之后的3天，晓悦没有和丈夫哭闹，她只是不吃不睡。“我不敢闭眼睛，一闭上眼睛就是他和别的男人在一起的画面。”晓悦的丈夫下跪，甚至自残，他用各种方法祈求晓悦不要离婚、不要告诉他的父母他是同性恋的真相，他甚至对晓悦说，“只要你不离婚，就算你生完孩子在外面找个男人，我也无所谓！”濒临崩溃的晓悦在网上发现了“同妻”群，她发现原来全国各地还有这么多和她一样遭遇的女人。
如今，临近预产期的晓悦已经能平静地讲诉自己的遭遇，“我不能让孩子出生就没有爸爸，我不会离婚。他说他不会是个好丈夫，但一定会是个好爸爸”。
“为了拥有‘幸福’生活，我和他成了‘合租房客’”
在别人看来，在哈市多个高档社区都拥有房产的宁宁简直是幸福女人的典范:她不用工作，自己开一辆红色“甲壳虫”，全身上下连内衣都是名牌，她在外面玩到多晚丈夫都不管。但是只有她自己知道，所有的“幸福”都只是美丽的“面具”，只是为了掩盖那些无比丑陋的真相。
宁宁结婚前就隐约怀疑丈夫的性取向，可是她没敢多想，因为觉得不太可能。但是婚后一个月，宁宁丈夫的一个男性朋友找到了宁宁，他说宁宁是“第三者”。“当时感觉太荒谬了，我丈夫的情人竟然是个男人！”当时宁宁的丈夫让宁宁给他一年时间来改正。于是宁宁度过了人生中最难熬的一年。这一年中，宁宁和丈夫之间很少有语言的交流，宁宁的丈夫说他工作很累，每天都要处理很多事情，所以回到家就不想说话了。可是当一年的时间过去后，宁宁的丈夫却告诉宁宁，他还是喜欢男人，没办法改。
宁宁和丈夫心平气和地谈了一次，“我们约好，我尊重他的性取向，他不管我在外面的‘社交’，我和他其实更像一对合租的房客。”宁宁说，就算嫁给性取向正常的男人，谁又能保证他不在外面找别的女人，“起码我知道我老公找的都是男人，我不用再蒙在鼓里。”
“拖得越久伤害越大，我带着孩子毅然离婚”
在长春市某银行工作的雅晴婚后得知丈夫是同性恋后，毅然带着2岁的女儿选择了离婚。“将来，我一定会告诉女儿我和他父亲离婚的原因。”
去年10月，雅晴无意中发现丈夫得了尖锐湿疣。随后，雅晴发现丈夫的手机里经常有暧昧的短信，而且丈夫上网时浏览的都是一些同志网站。在一次跟踪后，雅晴终于发现丈夫和一个男人去宾馆开房。“他从前种种的不正常举动现在都能想通了，因为他是同性恋，所以他当我是‘空气’；因为他不喜欢女人，所以他根本不愿意碰我……”
雅晴说，拖得越久伤害越大。离婚后的雅晴带着女儿过得很平静。只是她不明白为什么“男同”要选择和一个无辜的女人结婚来向社会证明自己是正常人？“难道我只是被利用来掩饰和完成传宗接代任务的工具吗？如果我婚前就知道真相，哪怕我再爱他，我也不会选择这段婚姻，哪怕永远一个人，也不要受这样的苦。”
在记者调查的全国各地近40位“同妻”中，像雅晴这样，知道真相后马上选择离婚的“同妻”只有9人。一位39岁的“同妻”对记者说，“毕竟在外人眼里他还是个好丈夫、好爸爸，能担负起他在这个家的责任。”多数“同妻”都为了孩子选择了隐忍，很多“同妻”对离婚十分恐惧，包括害怕社会舆论与污名、受人怜悯和歧视……近半数“同妻”还提到自己曾经有过自杀的意念和行动。
应予以“同妻”更多关怀
记者了解到，目前中国的男同性恋者约有2000万，其中90%以上的“男同”会选择以婚姻为保护伞，来掩盖他们真实的性取向，生活在大城市、受过高等教育的“男同”80%已婚。由此可见，中国的“同妻”数量至少在1600万名以上，“同妻”不仅不能得到性生活上的满足，很多还要遭受冷落、漠视和家庭暴力……
省妇女儿童基金会的孙玉才部长表示，很多“男同”有着稳定的工作和收入，这些“男同”婚后仍然保持着男男性关系。为了不再被家人催促，为了得到一份表面的安宁，他们把家庭和妻子当成了社会舆论的挡箭牌，从而催生了“同妻”这一特殊的弱势群体。这些“同妻”的经历往往不为人知，她们正在遭受着婚姻生活中情感和生理上的双重折磨。受传统文化和观念的束缚，多数“同妻”在知道丈夫是“男同”这一真相时，往往会选择默默承受，社会各界应对“同妻”这一群体予以更多的关注和关怀。（文中人物均为化名）
□记者/李 莹
"With the wife" as "men with the" shield suffered physical and psychological torture, at 01:28 on December 21, 2009 Heilongjiang Morning News
My husband with his wife VS homosexuality
Investigation by the reporter 40 "with wife" asexual marriages
According to statistics, China's current HIV-infected persons and patients about 74 million people, male and male HIV transmission has become the main route of transmission. Widespread concern about gay men, they were ignored behind them a more vulnerable group - "with the wife" (male homosexuality wife). These "with the wife," not only can not get the satisfaction of sexual life, many still suffer cold, neglect and domestic violence ... ... Recently, the reporter approached "with his wife," to listen to them talk about v behind the story.
"To give children Dad, I can only maintain the family's 'complete'"
In Omaha a school for teachers, Xiao-yue, her husband Harbin also has enviable work and income, the outsider, the husband Xiaoyue filial piety, love his wife, good at home, a gentle, almost without its drawbacks . "All my friends are envious of me find a good husband." But only two alone, the Xiaoyue always felt her husband intentionally or unintentionally, dodging their own, from the beginning of marriage to find all kinds of excuses not to go home every day. "We've been married a year, married life is simply a handful, a kiss, a simple hug ... ... of any intimate act between husband and wife do not like him or even disgusted." Premarital In addition to her husband, Xiaoyue not formally discussed with the other men falling in love, her experience of men very little. Even so, Xiaoyue could feel her husband is not normal.
One day in September of this year, 5 months Xiaoyue pregnancy from her family ahead of the field back to Omaha in advance did not tell her husband, wanted to give him a surprise. But when Xiaoyue gently to open their own door, the front of the scene that she almost fainted, her husband and another man on the sofa in the living room naked ... ... Xiaoyue transfixed at the door.
After 3 days, Xiaoyue and her husband did not cry, she just does not eat nor sleep. "I'm not Bi Yanjing, one that he and another man, close your eyes with images." Xiaoyue husband kneel down, and even self-mutilation, he used various means to pray for Xiaoyue do not divorce, do not tell his parents that he The truth is gay, he even Xiaoyue said, "As long as you do not divorce, even if you find a man giving birth on the outside, and I does not matter!" on the brink of collapse Xiaoyue found on the Internet "with the wife" group, she found that there are so many around the country, and encountered a woman like her.
Today, close to the pre-production phase of Xiaoyue has been able to calmly speak v. their own experiences, "I can not let a child born without a father, I will not divorce. He said he would not be a good husband, but it will be a good father" .
"In order to have a 'happy' life, he and I became a 'rented tenants'"
In others, view, Harbin several upscale communities, have the property Ning Ning is simply being an example of a woman: she does not work, opened their own a red "Beatles", the upper and lower body are even brand-name underwear, she was out of play to many late husband regardless. But only she knows all the "happiness" is just beautiful "mask", but simply to cover up those extremely ugly truth.
Ning Ning before marriage her husband's sexual orientation on the vague suspicion, but she dared not think about it, because we feel that is unlikely. However, a month after the marriage, Ningning her husband's male friends to find a Ningning, he said Ningning a "third party." "It was felt ridiculous, and my husband's lover turned out to be a man!" It was so Ning Ning Ning Ning's husband to give him a year to correct. So Ning Ning spent the life of the most tough year. This year, Ningning and her husband rarely between the language of communication, Ningning's husband said he was tired of work, a lot of things every day, so go home and do not want to speak. But when a year's time is over, the husband tells Ning Ning Ning Ning, he was like a man, no way to change.
Ning Ning and her husband calmly talked once, "We have an appointment, I respect his sexual orientation, whether he was outside my 'social', I and he is in fact more like a pair of rented to tenants." Nene said, Even if a man married to a normal sexual orientation, who can guarantee that he is not out looking for another woman, "at least I know my husband is looking for a man, I am no longer kept in the dark."
"The longer the greater the damage, I took my kids determinedly divorce"
A bank in Changchun City, Masaharu work after marriage that the husband is gay, resolutely with a 2-year-old daughter's choice of a divorce. "In the future, I will tell her daughter to me and his father's reason for the divorce."
Last year in October, Masaharu accidentally discovers her husband got condyloma acuminata. Subsequently, Masaharu found in her husband's cell phone text messages often ambiguous, and her husband, when browsing the Internet sites are all comrades. In a tracking, Masaharu finally found her husband and a man to the hotel to open rooms. "He's not used to all the normal moves can now be figured out because he was homosexual, so he when I was 'air'; because he does not like a woman, so he did not want touch me ... ..."
Masaharu said that the longer the delay the greater the damage. Masaharu with her daughter after the divorce had very calm. But she did not understand why the "men with" to choose and marry an innocent woman to prove that it is normal to the society? "Can I just be used to cover and complete the task tool heir? If I know the truth before marriage, even if I would love him, I would not choose the marriage, even if it is always a person should not be so hard. "
The survey at a press conference across the country nearly 40 "with wife", the like Masaharu In this way, to know the truth immediately after the option of divorce "with his wife" only 9. A 39-year-old "with wife" told reporters, "After all, the outsider, he was a good husband, good father, be able to assume his responsibilities in this house." Majority "with the wife" are the children chose the forbear, many "with wife" divorce is fear, including fear of public opinion and the stigma and discrimination by the human compassion ... ... nearly half of the number "with the wife," also referred to his have had suicidal ideas and actions.
It should be "with his wife" more care
This reporter has learned about China's current 20 million gay men, of which more than 90% of the "men with the" will choose marriage as a protective umbrella to cover up their true sexual orientation, living in large cities, highly-educated "men with the "80% of the married. This shows that China's "with the wife," the number of at least 16 million more, "with his wife" not only can not get the satisfaction of sexual life, many still suffer cold, neglect and domestic violence ... ...
In order to no longer be pressed their families, in order to get an outward appearance of calm, they have families and wives of the public opinion as a shield, which gave birth to "with his wife," this particular vulnerable groups. These "with the wife," the experience is often unknown, they are subjected to marital life, emotional and physical torture of a double. Subject to the constraints of traditional culture and ideas, most "with the wife" in that her husband is "man with" this is a truth often choose to endure in silence, the community response "with the wife" of this group to be more attention and care. (The text characters are not his real name)
□ Press / Li Ying
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