个人陈述的写作要有独特性

 

申请国外的大学，尤其是研究生院一般不需要申请者参加专业的入学考试，这一点和中国的招生制度有很大的区别。为了能够更好的了解申请人的背景和素质，校方要求申请者提供个人陈述，推荐信，简历,writing sample 等材料，在某些程度上，这些材料就等同于中国大学的入学考试。

 

很多来自中国的申请者虽然有很高的语言考试成绩，但却由于没能提供优秀的申请文书而与奖学金无缘。在我接触到大量的申请者中，有的申请者由于对申请文书的真正内涵理解的错误，导致与奖学金失之交臂。也有的申请者由于没有意识到申请文书的重要性，在经过TOEFL、GRE、GMAT等考试后很草率的写好了这些材料，这样的做法的结果是以前所有的付出都是徒劳的。

 

国外大学的录取委员会非常希望看到申请者经过精心准备后提交的申请材料。但是很令他们失望的是，来自中国的大部分申请材料的特点是雷同、乏味、很难体现申请者的特点，更难看出申请者具备哪些独特的素质。

 

其实，每一位申请者都是独特的，即使有着相同经历的两个人，在做相同事情时的体会及能够体现出来自身的素质也是不同的，就象世界上没有完全相同的两片树叶一样，每位申请者都有自己的特点。所以在动笔写申请文书之前，一定要仔细回忆一下自己的经历，剖析自己的特点，从具体的事例中找到自己与众不同的地方及所具备的潜在的素质。在动笔写申请文书时，更要注意西方的写作方法及语言的准确性，要在有限的篇幅内通过具体的事例来体现申请者所具备的攻读某一专业应该具有的素质。

     

 

成功个人陈述范例点评

多年的留学咨询和申请材料审改工作使我有了这样的体会，内容比较雷同，但语言不错的个人陈述也能帮助申请者获得奖学金，但是内容比较独特、新颖的个人陈述成功的可能性则要大得多。在以下的篇幅里，我介绍历年里比较成功的个人陈述的片断，并给予简单的评论。

绝大多数的申请者都会用主要的篇幅强调自己多么的勤奋，学习多么好。这两点最好少强调。这些优点是中国学生的共同特点，国外的教授已经知道。所有的人都写这些内容，读的人会产生厌倦感。下面这位同学的个人陈述突破了这个框框，她虽然在第一段中像别人一样讲成绩，但是第二段话锋一转，谈到中国的高考制度。

她说其实许多有才华的人就是因为高考不成功，没有上大学，就少了很多机会。她自己是考试制度下的成功者，但是能够表示出对比自己更艰难的同龄人的同情和理解，在众多的申请者中特别的难能可贵。所有的申请者都是用所有的篇幅讲自己多么优秀，讲自己如何奋斗，几乎没有什么人谈到别人的境况或者奋斗。

 

Having achieved the highest total of scores on the National University Entrance Examinations among all students in my hometown, I won acceptance into Chinese Youth College of Political Science (YCPS for shortly a preeminent institution of higher learning focused on political science and journalism.  With that score, I could have opted for the most famous university in China, the Peking University, often dubbed China's Harvard, but my university is the best in its own right.

 

At this point, may I digress to comment on one important aspect of Chinese young people's life, namely, competition.  I myself am a product of keen competition for better grades, which is quite pervasive all over China.  It was so in my elementary school; it was so in high school-, it is all the more so in competing for entrance into universities.  Only the cream of the cream, namely, 4% of all high school students get to universities.  In retrospect, I could see that this system is seriously flawed, for it denied quite many young talents, many of whom I shall later on meet and talk to, opportunities they could not otherwise have had.

 

       是不是非要把自己说成是成绩顶尖的学生才能获得奖学金呢？其实不一定。下面这位同学就是一个很好的例子。他的成绩并不优异，他在PS的第一句话就此做了说明。他是学生干部，在校期间为同学做了大量的服务，包括建立校园网站，包括代表学生要求食堂照顾学生的利益。至于能力，他主要谈的是团队精神和协作。为了建立一个出色的校园网站，他必须与其他的志愿者精诚合作，发挥每一个团队成员的特长。在这个三人团队中，有人负责页面设计，有人专长于编程，有人更胜任硬件的维护和管理。

 

I was not an outstanding student in the traditional Chinese sense. In a culture where “outstanding student” is narrowly defined as a student who gets good grades, I do not think I had the luck to join that rank, because I did not “ace all of my exams.”

…

A case in point: I helped design and maintain the award-winning university student website, www.nk3m.edu, Moonpacer being my pen name. My teammates, Erric and Tommy made our nicknames known throughout the university community because of our joint efforts. My primary contribution was in the area of page design, graphics and fine arts.  I was also the first in putting a 20-item questionnaire online for student input in response to a series of food price adjustments by the School Logistics Department in charge of school cafeterias. Using the data I collected in two days, I was able to present to the school authority findings that were predominately against the price hikes.  It was not the findings itself, but rather the fact that I represented 22% of the student population, that forced the Logistics Department to react and to modify its previous decisions.

 

In working with Erric and Tommy on the website, I learnt how to use my individual creativity wisely. While I always had my independent ideas and problem solving methods, I realized that my teammates had theirs.  It did not help if I wanted to impose my preference on them. On the contrary, by being a good listener and by being willing to accommodate, I was better able to sell my own ideas. We each had strengths and weaknesses, but working as a team, we worked wonders. I was often referred to as the “go-to” person for issues related to Photoshop and JAVA; but if I had problems with B and VB and VC++, I would seek counsel from Eric. Tommy, on the other hand, was the unchallenged authority, on hardware.  We grew as a team even as our fame grew because of the honorary mentioning of our names in our campus newspaper and newsletters.  The beauty of the new technologies is that we can still function as a team as we leave college and go our separate ways.

 

       许多申请者误以为需要夸大自己的学术能力，把自己吹嘘得不同反响，才能获得申请得成功。其实，我们申请出国学习不过是去做学生。如果我们已经是大师了，就不需要去学习了。所以，读理工科的学生用不着做过划时代的实验，读文科的同学用不着具备对学术问题的独到见解。在一般情况下，你也不可能做到这一点。硬要把自己吹得神乎其神，很容易专家看出来言过其实。

       下面这几段选自一位申请读建筑工程博士学位的同学的PS。他在国内读的是走读大学，毕业后在建筑工地上当了四年监工，GRE考试成绩只有1800多分。他于是觉得自己的实力很弱，心里没有底。但是通过咨询，他从别的方面找到了自己的闪光点。他在当实习生的时候就参与了我国最大地面建筑即北京西客站的施工（虽然他只是承当了几根柱子的设计）。后来工程出现了下沉的问题，他仔细地分析了原因，递交了很厚的报告。他没有考虑到自己人微言轻，充分展现了主人翁的精神。

在所有的工头里面，他又是唯一做科学实验的。限于环境和工作性质，他的实验也不是什么高深的项目，而是怎样搅拌水泥，等等。最后，他的成功凭借的不是名校的学位，惊人的GRE成绩或是瞩目的科学实验，而是一种敬业精神和进取的态度。

 

The Western Station project in Beijing consisted of the mail hall (70,000 square meters), southern wing building group (40,000 square meters) and north wing building group (35. 000 square meters).  But it was not too long before I discovered that, even in this monumental project, design techniques applied in many cases left much to be desired.  When treating the wind load, the earthquake force and the effect of frozen soil historical data and intelligent estimates were used in place of accurate measuring.  This phenomenon made me determined to improve my knowledge and skills in a graduate program that can teach sophisticated know-how, such as yours.

 

It regrettably turned out that the design of the mail hall was seriously flawed, which drew intense media attention nationwide.  The structure sank two meters after completion.  As experts continue to help the court determine who is responsible, I myself have been awed by this drama and kept researching it ever since it became known. My tentative explanation, submitted to the chief engineer, is that the disaster happened because the team of designers failed to take into account the underground water's power of buoyancy, even though the structure base was put below the waterbed.  The structure floated until enough load was mounted.  The proper construction method therefore should involved artificial precipitation until the completion of structure.

 

Upon graduation in 1996, I joined the Beijing Biggest Co., one of the four largest construction companies in China, and immediately took on management duties as an assistant manager at the construction. site.  I have supervised steel engineering, concrete engineering and platform engineering for three twenty-three story buildings in the Beijing DD residential area, a total of 60,000 square meters in apartments.  In this capacity, I was compelled to learn management skills that had never been taught in the classroom.  Although construction management is not what I foresee to be a lifetime pursuit, I executed my duty meticulously and creatively.  I became the first construction site manager in the company to conduct experiments comparing box-weir maintenance and the traditional manual watering method.  By using box-weir method, weak concrete and cracks in the concrete were eliminated. Through these important, albeit small steps of improvement, I have derived immense satisfaction.

 

接下来的这位同学是学国际关系的。她谈论的是一个敏感话题，即911恐怖事件。这位同学的成功也在于突破中国学生写申请文件的固定思维。她没有谈自己的勤奋和成绩优秀，也没有谈自己读过那些名著，对国际关系有什么独到的见解。她开门见山地说，911除了给美国和全世界带来震惊以外，给学习国际关系的学者带来一些严峻的问题，让他们深思，讨论，理解并且行动。在国际的纠纷中外交要起到什么作用？在浓厚的宗教气氛中怎样推进非宗教的国际交往，包括国际贸易，人员流动和科学技术的合作？每一个国家怎样在国际交往中怎样既保持自己的文化特色，又能意识到自己的不足？更重要的是在纷争的世界，国际关系的专家怎样能靠自己的智慧来教育公众而不是利用国际事件来进行宣传和政治交易？

 

September 11 has forever changed Americans; it has forever changed peace-loving peoples of all nations and colors.  For those who aspire a career in international affairs, September 11 produces more than shock, indignation and condemnation.  It presents a unique opportunity and a challenge, to reflect, to examine, to interpret, to understand and to act.

 

Make no mistakes, I am all for the current military actions against the terrorists and those who harbor them. However, my bigger interest, call it academic or intellectual, lies in the dynamics post military actions.  What roles can diplomacy play in the scheme of things? How can this religiously-charged world become more receptive of secular activities such as global trade, academic and people-to-people exchanges and collaborative efforts in science and technology?  How can individual culture or nation learn to be more aware of its own excesses and extremities even as it strives to preserve its uniqueness? And, more importantly, what can researchers in international affairs, area studies specialists and international policy makers do to illuminate and educate the general populace instead of making a pure sales pitch or a 20 second sound-bite over the airwave? 

 

       独特性有很多的表现方式。这位同学的父亲是留学欧洲的留学生，在教育子女时比较强调思考的独立性和实际解决问题的能力。她的母亲是一位老师，强调的是传统的教育方法，从小就逼她背诵古文。绝大多数的申请者写到这里都会趁机讨好国外的教授，高度评价西方化的教学方法和教学思想。但是这位同学却说她母亲的这套老办法有利于培养坚忍、自律的品格以及出众的语言能力，而且在中国的教育制度下特别地有用。国外的教授如果读到的都是曲艺奉承、妄自菲薄的内容（这是中国申请者的通病），也会很厌烦的。

 

My mother used highly traditional teaching methods which consisted of reciting classical works by Confucius and his disciples, the same Chinese approach as she had been taught since childhood.  This process tended to be boring and even painful.  However, it fostered persistence, discipline and strong language skills.  In contrast, my father encouraged the questioning and challenge of these same works and to apply the information relative to my own life.  Instead of mere acceptance of information, he challenged me to take an active part in learning which gave me better insight and genuine understanding of what I learned.  The difference in my father’s teaching approach was due to his undergraduate training in France, which he described as a truly enriching experience.

 

But my mother’s approach is much more practical.  In China, success for students hinges solely on superior examination results, with no other accepted measure of performance.  In most cases, these examinations consist of regurgitation of information which has been presented lecture style without any discussion. Under this regiment, students are gradually conditioned to simply absorb information rather than be creative and to think.

 

       对所学专业的热爱用不着用许多形容词，或者每天一定要学习12小时。这位同学本科学的是经济学，但是一直热爱社会学，他介绍的是自己怎样争取在大学转系而最终失败的过程。

 

But there was a twist. While I had the choice of all the best universities, the university authority, to my chagrin, was to decide what I should study in the 4 years to come, namely, Economics.  They meant that as an honor for a student with caliber since economics in the booming age calls for the best talents.  That decision to me, however, (was) a dream shattered.

 

My subsequent effort to transfer into my desired program was a long and heartbreaking story. I was powerless in the face of rigid rules and laws in the Chinese education system. But I decided that my passion for Sociology was not to be stifled. I jumped at any opportunity that came my way. I audited an impressive array of sociology courses including “Sociology Theories”, “Social Stratification and Social Mobility”, “Sociological Methodology” and so on.

 

       绝大多数的学生不遗余力地介绍自己的勤奋的学习能力（其实是考试能力），很少能够超出这个狭隘的自我。“自我”并不是一个不好的东西，但是“自我”有大，有小。有的人能够在考试之外还关心一点别的东西，他的“自我”内容就丰富一些，也就更可爱一些。为什么非要把自己描绘成一个对什么都不赶兴趣的考试机器呢？

       下面的这段文字是一个学计算机的同学谈论学计算机语言和英语语法有相似性。它们都是规则，但是学好规则是为了获得更大的自由。由此引出了我国特别提倡的“吃苦精神”。“吃苦精神”是优良传统，但是它的局限性正是在于仅仅强调为了学好规则。

       谈论一下这样的问题在广大的申请者中是极其难能可贵的，可以起到让人耳目一新的作用，难怪这样的PS会获得成功。

 

I often see the striking resemblance between computer science and English grammar. The analogy lies in the fact that even though there are numerous rules to follow, and there are no shortcuts to learning and mastering them, English grammar exists so that people can communicate in an infinite number of ways and still make sense. Another way of looking at it is in order for the English language to be meaningful, grammar is necessary, indeed, indispensable. However, grammar is there not to limit language, but to enrich it.  Same is true for the type of “languages” we computer majors deal with. That’s why the Chinese traditional wisdom on “eating bitterness” can be extremely valuable or limiting at the same time. Undoubtedly one has to plough through what may be a very dull and painful process of studying, analyzing, reviewing, editing and experimenting. However, learning is not an end in itself. It is a means to an end. It has to be to applied to real life situations. It has be to used and used creatively. The “eating bitterness” philosophy stresses the former at the expense of the latter. My achievement is therefore much beyond solid training in mathematics, physics and computer languages. It rests on original and creative applications in the real world.

 

我曾经讲过，对写作PS来说，有一个有意思的开头就成功了一半。第一段是最重要的，它的好还决定了国外的教授是否决定读下去，而只有他们继续读下去，你的申请才能有希望。有相当数量的PS没有被读完就放弃了，主要原因是看上去雷同。

下面的这位同学所学专业与汽车有关，他的第一句话说自己的目标就是拥有一辆车。这会让读者有点吃惊。虽然自己是销售汽车的经理了，但还是买不起车，继而谈到我国的车要比国外贵一倍，她更长远的职业目标与改变这种让人遗憾的状况紧密相连。读者这时明白他说的话其实并没有题。

 

My short-term goal, not to be confused with my career goals, is to put myself behind the wheel. This may sound strange to American adults who take vehicle ownership for granted. In China, the automotive industry is still in its infancy and passenger cars, costing twice as much as in Western nations, are still beyond reach by ordinary citizens.

 

I want to do something about the lamentable situation in my country’s automotive sector. My short term career goal is to revisit all the auto industry data and knowledge I have accumulated over the years, develop and sharpen tools to make some sense out of the existing information and acquire new perspectives on market research and management trends by means of an MBA program.  My long term goal is to establish a consulting company providing market research for the automotive industry so that automotive manufacturers and investors, whether Chinese or foreign, can achieve desirable results by optimizing their technical and human resources and achieve comparative advantages.

 

在开头段应用名人明言99％会失败。篇幅是宝贵的（通常成功的PS都在两页以内，长了容易让人厌倦），要说自己的话，不要说名人或死人说过的话。另外，你也完全没有必要用名人明言来激励审查你的资格的外国教授。

但是下面这个例子是一个罕见的成功。这位同学应用了名人名言，不是为了教育国外的教授，或是与他们共勉，而是为了用新颖的方式来引出自己的职业理想，与上面那一段一模一样。他说马克吐温说人人谈天气，但谁也没有想到能做点什么改变天气。他说股票跟天气差不多，人人都在谈，但谁也没有想到除了运气以外，还可以有科学的方法来预测，来知道投资。他的志向就是用数量的方法来研究投资。

 

Mark Twain once observed to the effect that everybody talked about the weather, but nobody did anything about it.  It makes a perfect analogy to the stock market. People talk about their investments and their gains and losses, but they are pretty much resigned to the fact that the cloud clusters hanging in the stock exchange sometimes give way to torrential rains or can be prelude to bright sunny days. As unpredictable as it is, the stock market is a science for those who have a passion for numbers.

 

Passion for numbers I do have. Since my middle school years, I have always preferred mathematics to other subject matters, although I have managed to remain on the top in all areas of academic discipline, be it Chinese or English or History or Geography.  …

 

       夸张与造作是PS写作中常见的弊病。有的同学努力渲染所谓悲惨童年，来强调自己奋斗的不容易。我们大多数人的生活虽然不富裕，但也并不那么悲惨。下面的这位同学比较中肯。他说生在教师的家庭，应该说是比较“寒酸”的。寒酸的家庭只能提供书籍，但是书籍中的乐趣却是无穷的。

 

“Han Suan,” literally “cold and sour,” is a Chinese expression describing a shabbily dressed student or scholar spending long and cold hours plodding away at some rather tedious and thankless subject matter.  I was born into a scholarly family that was struggling financially to make both ends meet while the only entertainment seemed to center around book reading. A perfect picture of “Han Suan.”   That said, I must add that  books presented to me the intellectual challenge and the excitement of discovery such as no other media could ever match.  I actually believed that I was hooked onto a subject matter that was not only going to lift our family, and many other families, out of scarcity and poverty but also improve our country’s overall economy.

 

如果自己真的是“苦大仇深”，也不能像祥林嫂诉苦，而应该自豪、自信、对生活和未来充满希望。下面的文字就是典范。

In many ways, it is thanks to the childhood hardship that I have made my achievements.  In trying to help alleviate the financial burden on my parents, I made my debut in the art of money-making at an age when American kids probably could not be hired to work.  I still remember earning my first coin by buying fruits from one place and then selling them in another.  Too little a profit it might seem, but it counted towards meeting the family's expenses then.  But the coin started me out in a business career that I now hope to translate into sizable fortunes.                                                                                                       

 

。。。。

Luckily, my parents, ignorant as they were, knew that the key to real success would lie in my education, and they toiled and moiled year in and year out to put that key into my hand, in a parental spirit and tradition that probably ran only be found in China.  Watching my parents working their backs off every day, I acquired the kind of determination, drive, and sense of responsibility not usually found in a small kid. With my parents' unswerving support I studied successfully and outperformed most of my classmates.  For years, my academic report card was the main source of pride in my family.

 

下面的这一段文字的作者性格独立，特别深沉，而且事业成功，年纪偏大。他的PS的最后一段谈到自己的业余爱好：去深山老林去沉思。这样与全文塑造的形象是符合的。我比较反对在PS中每个方面都写一点，各个部分没有必然的联系。加入他说自己的爱好是蹦迪或是吃辣椒，与全文就不统一了。

 

I do not really have a whole lot of hobbies.  Apart from reading books and listening to my friends relate their experiences, I enjoy traveling on my own.  While I always emphasize the importance of teamwork in the office, I like traveling on my own so that it is easier for me to seek a personal connection with nature.  As I savor natures grandeur and my own seclusion in it, the natural world often endows me with new vision and fresh insights.

 

       许多同学喜欢泛泛地谈在他的领域中中国落后于先进国家，所以他要去留学，以后报效祖国。人人都这么说，成了老生常谈。下面的这段话有点心意，关键在于有点具体的内容。

 

The Global Village would not come about even if all humans shared a common language. It will come true when capital and goods can move freely across borders. For that to happen, accounting procedures and financial statement must be unified around the world. China, a country with immense production power and market potential, will have to significantly upgrade its financial reporting system to take advantage of WTO.  At present, financial statements show a high degree of inconsistency in Chinese corporations.  Among millions of people who work as accountants, only approximately two hundred thousand have had professional training. The number of these people with an intimate understanding of international financial standards is even smaller. 

 

这位同学谈的是为什么要去学教育，原因也很具体。如果要谈留学的动机，就一定要有具体的原因。如果只有“获得更多的知识”，或是“为了祖国更富强”等等空洞的口号，就不要写。

 

My experience as a master’s student of linguistics has given me a good insight into the processes of language learning and teaching, particularly the teaching of English to Chinese learners. When it comes to my English teaching work, my theoretical knowledge of and enthusiasm for languages have both been great aids, helping me develop strategies to improve my methodologies. However, I feel there is a great deal more I need to learn to ensure my approach is centered on effective language learning in the classroom, as opposed to language teaching, which is the more traditional practice in China. The desire to acquire advanced educational concepts has motivated my application to study Teaching of English as a Second Language at your university. What I would learn from you would allow me to contribute to the introduction of better teaching practices in a country where 130 million people are learning English.

 

I was introduced to issues related to language learning and teaching in my graduate degree of Applied Linguistics. What particularly fascinated me was the student-centered teaching principle, and I recognized that it was the key to bridging the gap between students’ needs and teachers’ needs. Currently, the system of teaching English in China meets the needs of teachers and examiners, but rarely students. Classes are teacher-centered and textbook content is usually decades old. Teachers prepare not according to student needs but their own preparation needs and to satisfy the requirements of examiners. This leads many students to drop English classes as soon as they pass the College English Test Band 4, the basic level English proficiency test that is required for graduation.

 

下面这段话谈的也是留学的动机，可信，感人：

 

My mother has played a significant part in shaping up my personality and career ambitions. When I was three years old, my mother decided to pursue a university education in order to advance her career. After strenuous efforts, she successfully passed the gruesome university entrance examination and got enrolled at the prestigious Harbin Institute of Technology, one of China’s best engineering schools. This is not a small feat, given the fact that only 4% of all Chinese high school students have the opportunity to receive university education and there are no special programs for adult students.

 

North Eastern China forms the backbone China’s state-run heavy industries that helped transform China from an agrarian nation to an industrial powerhouse. As the economic reform deepens, these enterprises, plagued by rigid organization, overstaffing and reactive and dependency mindset, are unable to compete in the market. There have been massive layoffs as a result. Almost everyone in my city has felt the pain. My mother has generously helped those who are less fortunate. For years, my mother helped our neighbor, a laid-off employee from her company, to sell Tofu in the street, so that this person can go home to cook for her child. The temperature often plunges to minus 25 Celsius in Harbin but my mother, although over 50 years old, is not daunted. She stomped her feet to keep warm while shouting to attract passers-by.

 

My mother is very worried about the heavy losses in the state-run enterprises and the wellbeing of laid-off workers. She said that she herself was only a technical expert and could do very little to help these hapless people. When she was young, China was in a centrally planned economy and no one had ever thought about management problems. She has done her best to meet the demands of her era. Now she has high hopes on me, her only child, to achieve greater accomplishment by helping the once mighty state-owned enterprises.

 

从修改中看写作原则

1. 语言要能够支持内容，括号中是可以替换的词。

原稿：

In 1991 I took part in a project that nearly copied a milling machine design made by German with CAD technology twenty years before. Staring at the Germany blueprints, I realized the technical gaps between the world (world’s) leading countries and my country  vividly. This experience directly spurred my incipient interest in the research on Mechanical Engineering. Then I started the long path of strenuous pursuance¡­

 

改后稿：

While I was still as freshman in 1991, I took part in a project in which a milling machine design done by Germans with CAD technology twenty years before was closely duplicated. Staring at the German blueprints, I was struck dumbfounded by the technological gap between the world's leading industrial countries (nations, industrial powers) and my motherland. That experience has been goading me to delve deeper and deeper into research of Mechanical Engineering ever since. I felt then that it was my responsibility to help close the gap. (Over seven years has passed, and I am glad to say that I have done my share to my country's technological progress in my field. But to actually help put my country at a technological par with that of the West, I must receive advanced education in a Western university. For that, I am now applying for Ph.D. studies in your distinguished program.)

 

2. 不要用激励美国教授来开头。

原稿：

 

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must s" sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it-but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor." I read those words said by Oliver Wendell Holmes two years ago, (irrelevant) From then on, I cherished them in my heart as my motto.  I think it is the result of my continuing sailing in the sea of knowledge that I can apply to the Department of Economics of the world-famous University of with full confidence.

 

改后稿：

Improved: A top student of international finance at the XXX University, probably China's best institution of higher learning, I would like to scale higher intellectual heights by undertaking advanced studies in your Master’s program.  Such studies will help me fulfill a dream that I have inherited from my parents: the eradication of poverty in China.

 

3. 每个句子都要服务于一个目的，没有特别用处的句子要删掉。

原稿：

I was born in Chongqing, a blooming city in China.  I havn’t met very big setbacks in my life.  But my father came from the poor countryside, and slaved all day long with no assurance when the next meal will come when he was young.  In the three years of famine in 1960s in China, He was almost starved to death.  But he lived through finally and went into Sichuan University the best University in Sichuan Province by his struggle and fight.  Now he is a famous professor in Department of Biology in a major University.  My mother was born in Chongqing. The ten years of "Culture Revolution" wasted her youth and deprived her the chance of receiving university education.  But she worked very hard and now is a minister of the ministry of personnel in a big corporation.

 

改后稿：

Although I grew up almost a pampered kid, I have learned of the scourge of poverty from my parents by listening to their stories about their childhood.  My father, now a well-known professor of chemistry at the Sichuan University, was almost starved to death in the 1960s when his home village was mired in famine like many other parts of China.  My mother, a manager of personnel with a major Chinese corporation, saw her youthful years slipping away in the chaotic "cultural revolution" period.  Braving their trial and tribulation, they have always worked hard and are now well-established in their own careers.  But they want more than a good life for themselves.  They want to help make sure that no one in China will have to suffer in the future the way they did in the 1960s.

 

Prodded by my parents' high expectations, I have studied industriously over the years, drawing constant inspiration from the learning spirit prevalent on the campus of the Sichuan University, where my family had our home.  While in primary and high school I was always recognized as the best student, for which I was sent to numerous national and provincial contests and earned many awards.  These include a First Prize in the National Physics Contest of High School

 

原稿：

I am a person with a strong will and in order to realize my goal, I will overcome nearly all the difficulties. I dream to become an excellent person, that is the topic of my awarded essay in a composition contest in senior high school. In fact, I do act with that strong will in my previous life. I am a top student in studies, a versatile student in extracurricular activities and a popular student leader in class organization. I have got the championship in both municipal Math and English contests of high school students. With great ambition and continued success, I couldn't bear a little failure in my life. But when I grew up by and by, I have got to know that the most important thing is to always do your best whatever the result is. So I form a more optimistic and positive way in my life attitude. I will try my best to do everything I have made up my mind to do, but if the result is not exactly what I wish, I will not regret and torture myself.  Life is tough; you can't win in every aspect and in any time.

 

改后稿：

I have a strong sense of purpose and am self-confident that I can achieve whatever I put my mind to. I know that the path to realizing my goals is not smooth. Obstacles are an inherent part of life. However, when faced with a challenging situation, I do my best to overcome any difficulty set before me. Whether I am working or studying, I always strive for excellence. I have always been at the top of my class academically, an active participant in extracurricular activities, and a popular student leader in class organizations. With great ambition and continued success, I have rarely experienced failure. As I matured though, I have come to realize that the most important thing is to always do your best, whatever the result. This optimistic and positive attitude has guided me through my studies and career.

 

原稿：

Born in June 1985, I grew up in a small village, which was surrounded by mountains and led to the outside world by a winding footpath. The special geographical environment gave me a strange impression when I was a little child. I always thought that the world was very simple. In my mind, my village was one edge of the earth and Beijing, the only city I had ever known, was the other end.

 

改后稿：

 

I grew up in a small village surrounded by mountains with only a makeshift footpath winding towards the outside world. As a child, this special living environment always gave me the impression that the world was very simple. In my mind, my village was one end of the earth and Beijing, the only city I had ever known of, was the other end.  My world was very small although I didn’t realize it at the time.

 

原稿：

Though the education level in the village was rather low and I was two years younger than my classmates were, I kept ranking the first in the class. I was happy and satisfied until my family moved into The Big City, the capital of our province. I was shocked by the differences between rural and urban life. My simple world was broken. My new classmates looked down upon me because of my out-of-date dressing and my rural accent. I was far behind them in terms of academics. For one year I was like the ugly duckling among proud swans, self-abased and silent. My parents helped me a lot. They taught me how to adapt to a new environment and communicate with people. That was my first lesson in interpersonal communication. As time went by, I become more and more extroverted and confident. My grades also went upward rapidly. The most important thing is that I learned how to adjust myself to any new situation. I am recounting this experience of mine only to demonstrate a quality I possess-the ability to excel in the face of challenge.

 

改后稿：

I was first educated in the village with classmates who were two years my senior. This forced me to push myself and work diligently in order to keep up with them.  Eventually the hard work paid off and I kept ranking first in the class. I was happy and satisfied until my family moved into The Big City, the capital of our province. Amid the shock by the differences between rural and urban life, my simple world was broken.  New classmates looked down upon me because of my out-dated clothes and rural accent.  To make matters worse, the education level in the village proved to be low and I was far behind in terms of academics. For one year I was like the ugly duckling among proud swans, self-abased and silent. Fortunately, my parents were extremely helpful, teaching me how to adapt to a new environment and communicate with people. I will always remember this as my first lesson in interpersonal communication. As time passed, my confidence grew, my grades went up rapidly and I became more and more extroverted. Most importantly, however, is that I learned how to adapt myself to a new situation, excelling in the face of challenge, which has proven to be an essential part of survival today.