GRE Writing

Nonmainstream areas and Human Needs

Rules: Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.

 

Topic: "Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."

 

原稿： It is true that in contemporary society the nonmainstream areas of inquiry, such as astrology, fortune-telling and the like, satisfy human needs more than the mainstream science. But what we should bear in mind is that, always it is the mainstream science that point out the way to overcome various obstacles, and light up people's hope in true meaning.

 

语言错误：1. “It is true” 是多余的。第一句话中的”more”出了很大的问题，曲解了原意, 把 nonmainstream 的作用说的比mainstream enquiry 还要重要。原来说的是 “play a vital role”, 并不是 “pivotal” role.                                                        

书面英语中应避免使用“And the like”。

 

“燃起希望”：spark hope, kindle hope

“light up” 的意思是给人带来兴奋和快乐，如：The shining report cards lit Father’s face up. /The funny caroon picture lit up the children's eyes.

 

改后稿： In contemporary society nonmainstream areas of inquiry such as astrology and fortune-telling satisfy human needs more than mainstream science. But we should bear in mind that mainstream science always points the way to overcome obstacles and sparks people’s hope in finding truth.

 

1.     put forth a clear perspective

2.     demonstrate the understanding of the complexities or implications of the issue.

3.     prepare readers for the main ideas of the following paragraphs

 

改后稿2. In deed, astrology, fortune-telling and psychic readings can sometimes provide comfort when we are feeling sad, color our lives when we are bored, and spark hope when we are depressed. But these pursuits are ultimately based on falsehood and their benefits are short-lived and illusionary. Sicence remains the most reliable means through which we understand ourselves, derive wisdom, confidence and hope.

 

原稿： Although called nonmainstream areas, we should not ignore that to some extent, these areas such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various festivals, no matter Chinese (such as Spring Festival) or Western (such as Valentine's Day), people are willing to resort to astrology, mostly hoping to meet good luck. This kind of activitiy always meets their needs, because the anquivolent nature of astrology destines it will not dampen people's enthusiasm and hope. With these nonmainstream areas people's life becomes more colorful.

 

点评：第一句话语法错误，主语应该是”these areas”, 但是现在看上去变成了 “We”.

“No matter”应改为“whether”。

 “meet good luck” 不是好的英语表达。

“This kind” 后面应该是复数。

“destine”一词表示“一定”，通常是用形容词：He was destined for an important career in the Church of England. /By family tradition he was destined for a career as a regular army officer.

Mandela’s statement from prison destined to smolder in the homes and servant quarters.

 

改后稿： Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various holidays, whether Chinese or Western, people are willing to resort to nonmainstream ideas. These kinds of activities meet our needs because they encourage enthusiasm and hope and make people’s lives more colorful.

 

 

评语：本文中的例子不足以支持论点，情人节不是什么占星术，人们也不会寄希其带来好运。中国的春节习俗在中国是非常主流的文化内容，不能算是非主流的。国外源于宗教的节日都不能归类于非主流。

 

作者说了非主流的信仰能够丰富人们的生活，我们一定要用具体的实例来说明这些信仰如何丰富了人们的生活。

 

其实，在这段中可以说明一下非科学的信仰解决了人们的什么方面的需求，在接下来的段落中对比说明科学又能给人们带来什么不同的好处。

 

改后稿2：Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. A glance at the astrology column in different newspapers and magazines reveals do’s and don’ts that contain more encouragement than warning. .. Frequently there are phrases like: “Aquarius should cease feeling depressed or exerting pressures on yourself”, or “Chances are good that Leo will get a promotion this week, so keep moving on and show your talent to your boss”, or “Things may go astray for Virgo this week, yet just wait to see the silver lining next week.” These nonmainstream contributions meet a need because they foster enthusiasm and hope and add color to our lives.

 

改后稿3：

 

Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play some role in society.  Grieving family members seeking to contact their lost relatives find comfort in believing that mediums can contact the dead.  Some people who are worried about their jobs or facing difficult decisions feel more assured about the future when they consult a palm-reader or fortune-teller.  Those who lack power or feel that the earth is a lonely place in the vast universe may find a more acceptable perspective in believing that other benevolent beings exist.  Witchcraft, astrology, and psychic phenomenon can be found in most cultures as man’s attempt to explain the universe, or to gain power over a world in which humans are otherwise helpless. 

 

改后稿：

 

Although most people do not order their lives according to the paranormal, many would be willing to consider them as explanations when science fails or a possibility in the background of what is real.  A husband who has lost his wife might have very vivid dreams in which he talks to her.  Psychology may say that this resulted from his own subconscious wishes, but the husband may find himself believing that his wife has spoken from the dead.  A father whose child has been kidnapped might consult a psychic for visions of where the child has been taken if the police investigations have failed.  It seems that people can trust in science, but are willing to consider other possibilities when scientific explanations fail them.

 

 

原稿： The nonmainstream areas can do harm to the society, only when people don't inquire them merely for fun, but for resolution of life instead. It is ignorance because no one in the world could point out way for others, neither does the God. Only those people with confidence have the posibility to successfully solve problems.

 

评点： “Do harm to”改为“harm”,因为更直接。 英语里有 “does more harm than good”, “did little harm”这样的表达法，但是“对。。。有害”应该直接用 “harm”, 或者be harmful to, detrimental to.

 

“the God”改为“ God ”或是“the Gods”。“resolution” 是“决心”的意思：New Year resolution. 或者是“决议”的意思，如：a resolution of the dispute. “解决问题”中的“解决”要用 “solve” 或者 “solution”。

 

与前面的毛病一样，这段中只阐明了观点，但是没有提出任何地例证来支持他的观点。只说论点，不讲证据是中国学生的普遍问题。另外，在英语国家里，上帝是主流的而不是“非主流的”。在内容上又有点偏题。文章的题目是主流与非主流，可以定义为科学与迷信，但是宗教并不是迷信。宗教在西方社会是居于主流地位的。这一段的措辞有点像是讨论科学与宗教的关系。

 

改后稿： Nonmainstream areas can harm society when people look to them for genuine solutions to real problems, not just for fun. This is done from ignorance, since nobody, not even God, can provide any answers. Only people with confidence can successfully solve their problems.

 

改后稿2：Nonmainstream areas can be harmful when people look to them for genuine solutions to real problems, not just for fun.  A person who becomes ill should seek help from a health care professional but should not resort to consulting a fortune-teller. Astrologers may believe that the rotation of planets accounts for influenza, yet aspirin is definitely more effective in treating its symptoms. As for individuals, only people with confidence and problem-solving skills can surmount difficulties. If you treat an important interview lightly just because the astrology column says that you have will fabulous luck in job-hunting, you may ruin a great opportunity.

 

原稿： And the mainstream science plays the very vital role to provide people with reasonable methods. These science are based on practical experiments, carefully analize and reasoning. They may not seem as good as those nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help.

 

改后稿： On the other hand, science plays the very vital role of providing people with reasoned methods to conduct life. Science is based on practical experiments, careful analysis, and reasoning.

They may not seem as miraculous as nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help.

 

改后稿2：On the other hand, the history of mankind has amply demonstrated that, science based on experiments and analysis, provide people with reasoned methods to conduct life. Psychology explaines human behavior. Sociology enlightens people on their relationship with their surrounding environment. Modern medicine has advanced so much that it is now possible to predict cancer even before a child is born. 

 

评语:本段的结构很好，但跟前面所有的段落一样，缺乏真正能够支持论点的的实例。

 

原稿：Generally speaking, the so called nonmainstream areas color our life to a great extent, but we should believe in the mainstream science when we want to resolve problems.

 

改后稿：Mainstream areas color our lives to a great extent, but we should put our trust in mainstream science when we want to solve real problems.

 

评语：用法错误：“So-called”暗示所提及的内容不是真正意义上的非主流，只是这样叫罢了。

 

Presented Insightful Position?	Reasons/ Examples Persuasive?	Ideas Well-focused And well-organized?	Effective Vocabulary And Sentence Variety?	Many Violations of Conventions?
N	N	N	Y	Y

 

总评：这篇习作所犯的错误非常有代表性，提出的观点几乎完全没有例证。这是中国学生最大的通病。许多学生似乎觉得如果观点是公认的，就不需要例证了。但是现在是在考写作能力，其中最重要的一条就是能否用恰当地例证支持观点。至于观点是否新颖还是其次的考量。

 

第二个错误，也是非常普遍的错误就是没有表现出对问题的复杂性的理解。有的任课老师把这一点说成是“表达复杂思想的能力”。这样说不准确。GRE 作文不要求表达“复杂的思想”,而是表现出认识到议题的复杂性的能力。GRE的题目往往不是黑白分明的，你可以有自己的观点，多么强烈都可以，但是从第一段起，就要注意展现对问题复杂性的认识。具体说，就是你反驳或不同意的观点往往也有它的道理。

 

 

关于打草稿

关于最后写第一段

 

       needs met by the paranormal –

              1.  loss of loved ones – medium, seances

2.  decision-making, uncertainty about the future – fortune telling

              3.  lack of power – occult, witchcraft

4.  feelings of loneliness in the cosmos – extra terrestrials, other mythical beings

5.  difficulty relating to people, need to be understood – psychic, astrology

             

 

 I.    Issue:                Competition and Cooperation

                                   竞争优于合作？－否

 

Issue: While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation.

 

With the development of society, the division of labor is becoming more and more elaborate. To cater the changes, the sense of cooperation is more and more essential, which is especially important to the leaders, because a leader must make a group unite as a whole to accomplish one thing together.

 

As society develops, the division of labor is becoming more complex. To meet the needs of these changes, a sense of cooperation is becoming increasingly essential. Cooperation is especially important for leaders. Leaders must be able to unify a group to allow the group to accomplish tasks together, as one unit.

 

 [评论]：写得不错，但是有很多“Chinglish,”，比如more and more

 

One of celebrated professors of my university once proposed the objection of education with the format of “3C”----“communication, cooperation and competition”, which is, in his opinion, the most three important virtues to instill to the youth. His words illustrate that cooperation and competition is not contradictory but supplement to each other. In the areas of sports, for instance, the sense of competition is no doubt a kind of virtual quality without which the participators cannot do at their utmost to win the game, to challenge oneself and to overpass the high point, while the sense of cooperation is also the key of success as well. As we all know, before sporting contests, the athletes must take hard skill training under the assistant of nonstrikers, unknown to the public, who everyday take as much time as the selected athletes to hard work, sometime even more insipid and harsh. If not were the sense the cooperation, it is difficult for them to persevere in. In this case, the concept of competition is extended and is not limited in the scope of individual but in a group. Thus, as we stated above, cooperation enhances ability of competition and competition advances cooperation.

 

One of the most celebrated professors at my university stated his objection to the traditional goals of education as a “3C” theory. He feels communication, cooperation and competition are the three most important qualities a young person should have. His theory shows the cooperation and competition are not contradictory but in fact complimentary. Take sports as an example. Being competitive is an unseen but essential quality without which participants will not do their best to win, challenge themselves or challenge existing performance records. But cooperation is also essential. Before a sporting event, an athlete must endure arduous training, under the assistance of a trainer. This trainer is unseen by the public and unknown to the public. Trainers will use as much time each day as the famous athletes they are training do, working hard and sometimes at work that is more boring and more difficult than the training the athlete must go through. If not for a sense of cooperation, trainers would be unable to fulfill their role. In this case, the concept of competition is extended beyond and not limited to the scope of individual. This feeling of being competitive is shared by the group as a whole. Thus, as stated above, cooperation enhances a person’s or group’s sense of being competitive and the feeling of being competitive advances the feeling of being cooperative.

 

Comments: good ideas here, good use of vocabulary, could improve ability to use vocab.

[评论]：想法很好，用词也不错，

 

For a leader, a sense of cooperation is especially significant, for a successful leader is not certainly a wise and intelligent man but must to be a man who hold ability to cooperate with his colleagues.

In modern society, in the areas of government, sports, industry and others, there are few things which can be accomplished with only one person. The energy of a individual is slight but the strength of a group is unexpectedly great if the member of the group can cooperate with each other effectively. That is so say, good cooperation can double the sum energy of each member. For a leader, realizing this point can benefit the whole group.

 

For a leader, being cooperative and appreciating cooperation is especially significant. A successful leader is not necessarily a wise or intelligent person, but rather a person who has the ability to cooperate with others. In modern society, in the government, in sports or in industry, few things  can be accomplished through the work of only one person. The strength of one person is not great, but the strength of a group can exceed any individual’s expectations, if the members of the group can cooperate effectively. Effective cooperation in a group can multiply the sum of the strength of each member of the group. As a leader, realizing this can benefit the entire group.

 

评论]：这一段写得不如前两段好。 如果作者能更好的掌握每个词（比如Strength和 energy）的内涵，对文章将会有很大帮助。我感觉作者的语言水平还不能很好的表达他所试图想要表达的意思。但他所要表达的意思还是体现出来了。

 

In sum, although some leaders attributes their success to a well-developed sense of competition and when cultivate the youth, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation.

 

Although some leaders attribute their success to a being competitive, society could more effectively prepare its young people for leadership by instilling them with a sense of cooperation.

 

Comments: A little hasty. Basic grammar went out the window in this para。

[评论]：写的有点匆忙，这一段出现了基本的语法错误。

 

Presented Insightful Position?	Reasons/Examples Persuasive?	Ideas well-focused and well-organized?	Effective vocabulary and sentence variety?	Many Violations of Conventions?
Y	Conclusion weak, but rest strong (Y/N)	Y	Y	N